You don't owe anyone an explanation.

I have a real love-hate relationship with Facebook, but it's been a valuable tool for me. It's taught me the skill of walking away from conversations without explanation.

As women, we tend to over-explain ourselves constantly. We're socialized to justify our thoughts and decisions in so many ways, whether it's with big things like why we want or don't want children, or something as small as why we don't feel like smiling at strangers.

We're told it's not enough to just want or do something, we need to justify it. And we often work so hard at trying to explain ourselves to someone else's satisfaction that's its exhausting.

And I've decided that it's nonsense.

Just yesterday an acquaintance commented on something I posted with a complete assumption that was 100% wrong and not really related to what I has posted. And told me "Well you need to clarify that in your presentation of it."  

It was interesting to watch my brain flare up with an immediate desire to over explain and justify why I had said things the way I had.

But then I went into my "Actually, No." energy, hid the comment and just walked away.

My brain likes to offer complex excuses when I feel like people are criticizing me, or when I don't want to do something which will mean letting people down. It wants to explain things several times in different ways to make absolutely sure that I'm 100% understood and there's no room for misunderstanding.  It wants to justify everything in a way that makes me feel safe and not upset or offend anyone.

But the truth is that no matter what I do, most of that is out of my hands.

What people choose to think about me, is not under my control and its none of my business.

No matter how much I explain or justify something... they might STILL think exactly what they choose to think.

And I'd only be doing it to try manipulate what they think of me.

Over explaining and justifying is people pleasing.  It's graspy, desperate and dishonest.
And I'm not here for that anymore.

One of the greatest things you can do for your peace of mind is just let a conversation be.
 

I like to remind myself that the only person who has to be ok with what I do and why, is me.

I get to decide what happens in my life and why.
I get to chose to say no, or leave a job, or not attend a party.

Or not respond to someones comment.

Or not be connected with people that I don't want to be connected to.

And so do you.
You get to just decide. "This is my decision and I'm happy with it."
And you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Why believing everything your brain says is a bad idea!

A couple weeks ago while on a Zoom call I had this very LOUD thought pop into my head.

It said, "Have you noticed that the arch of one of your eyebrows is more rounded than the other one?"

And then proceeded to spend the rest of the day telling me why this was such a problem.

It told me that without symmetry in my eyebrows I would look strange. That people wouldn't take me seriously. That I immediately needed to invest in microblading or something because this was now

EVIDENCE THAT SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG.

I offer you this story as evidence only that human brains come up with some crazy shit.

One of the biggest struggles is that we take our thoughts so seriously. Because they are OUR thoughts. We seem to think that whatever our brain offers us is true and that we are required to believe it.

Thoughts are just sentences in our brains. They literally mean nothing... until we make them mean something.

Just like I can hear my brain yap on about the arch of my eyebrow and know that its actual nonsense, I know that when my brain tells me things like:

"You don't know what you're doing"

"No ones going to like this"

"Who do you think you are anyway"

I literally don't have to believe it.

Even though it FEELS so true!

This is the same brain that freaks out about eyebrows and tells me that it's convinced that I will die if I say no to pasta and ice cream. The same brain that once believed that if I just believed it hard enough that fairies would sneak into my house at night and clean my room.

True story. I was 100% in belief about that. Because I believed the thought my brain had about it being possible.

The human brain has a worse success rate than your average weather reporter during Spring.

It has no idea what's true... it's just making some shit up on the spot.

So my darlings, don't take your thoughts so seriously. Your brain doesn't deal in truth, only in suggestion.

And you are under no obligation to believe it!

Unconditional love doesnt mean unconditional access

Last week a client going through the process of divorce asked me “How is it possible that I can love my husband, but not want to be with him?”

And I’ve been thinking about that all week because it’s a thought I remember having about an ex boyfriend many years ago. 

I loved and still care deeply about him, but I frankly don't ever actually want to see, let alone be in a relationship with him. 

Seems strange right…

After all, doesn’t love conquer all? 

I think this idea of love without actual connection is easier understood in relationships like with parents. We can love someone wholeheartedly AND still not want them in our lives. 

I call it the “love you but don't like you” issue.

Our culture has taught us that to love someone means we have to BE with them. We have confused unconditional love with unconditional access. 

We’ve been led to believe that if we love someone then we HAVE to have them in our lives. And if we don't want them or their behavior in our lives… then we can't possibly really love them.

Which is complete and utter nonsense, because it creates rampant confusion and guilt when you don't want someone or their influence in your life… even though you care about them. 

I remember years ago realizing that it was possible to love and completely accept my father for exactly the way he is… and still not have him play any significant role in my life. 

I experienced so much guilt around the idea that I somehow owed him access to me. Like just because he was my dad I should just put up with his influence in my life or it would prove I didn't love him and that would make me a bad person. 

But resolving that guilt and shame actually gave me the space to just not be connected with him for some years and eventually change my relationship with him drastically.

It's tricky in romantic relationships because everything about how we view love culturally is about the being together aspect.  And I truly believe that its partially to blame for the difficulty people experience in leaving abusive relationships. 

Because if we REALLY love someone then we’ll stay and just figure it out.  

I was talking to my husband recently about how women in my generation and before have been raised on this idea that if you just love someone enough, everything will turn out perfectly. (Thanks Disney) 

and he was stunned. Because he wasn't socialized that way, the idea of sticking it out in a relationship that isn't working for you with the idea that you just need to love them harder, is as bizarre to him as me suggesting he paint his car with pink glitter.

So what if you don't want to figure it out? 

What if there IS no figuring it out?  (because of course you can only figure out YOUR part in the relationship)

What if it's OK to love someone… AND recognize that being in a relationship with them isn't what you want. 

What if you just get to choose who does and doesn't get to be in your life, regardless of whether or not you care about them… and that doesn't mean that you're bad or a failure somehow. 

Coaching, crying and truth.

Almost every day, I make someone cry. 

There’s this amazing moment during a coaching session when we hit on just the right thought or the right question and suddenly my client (or me when I’m being coached!) lets go of all the tension they’re holding, then the tears start. 

And the first thing that everyone does is apologize and then ask if they are the only person that cries during coaching. 

And I can always tell them honestly… you’re not even the first one today!

I don’t set out to make people cry.

But what happens so often when people first start to work with me is that they think that they are supposed to somehow “fix” themselves or their lives, and that it's such a painful experience that they hold onto this fake “totally in control of myself” version of them with a death grip.  

Which in itself is so poisonous because you're basically telling yourself that you're not good enough and are broken in some way but trying to pretend that you don't feel that!

Like “no no, everything’s fine. If I just hold it together everything will be fine and no one will notice as I bury myself under layers and layers of avoiding myself…”

Like if they let themselves be real about how they feel for just a second, then their entire life will collapse into a heap and they will never recover. 

And I know that feeling well. 

I have been there many times. 

To this day I still dislike being coached because every single week I have to overcome my own drama about needing help and support

Because I spent so many years telling myself that I had to do everything without help in case people realized that I was less than perfect, if I admitted I had flaws… then they would know the awful truth. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't worthy. 

Even saying that out loud seems ridiculous now!

But still , every week I have to remind my brain that I don’t always have the answers, and that I also need someone to help me figure myself out. 

Like so many of my own clients, I have to consciously confront that part of me that wants to pretend I’ve got it all together. 

I have to be honest and tell myself the truth of where I need support. 

Where I’m hiding things from myself.

Where I’m telling myself stories and creating internal drama.

Where I’m pretending something is ok when it's really not.

Where I’m telling myself that everything in my life is evidence that I’m not good enough. 

I have to loosen the death grip I have on my own bullshit.

That moment where you drop the pretense and tell yourself or someone else the truth is 

MAGIC

Because it's in those moments that we crack open the walls we build up in our minds and hearts that keep us from becoming who we are truly meant to be. 

It's those moments where we really FEEL our fears and can't pretend anymore, that we start to really find ourselves and discover what our lives could become.

People pleasing and lying to ourselves.

As we start to get the year underway and many of my clients are really getting stuck into their goals and resolutions, I’ve been noticing a pattern. 

The sneakiest kind of self sabotage that keeps coming up.… people-pleasing!

And I know it doesn't sound sneaky, but it creeps into EVERYTHING because our relationships, not just romantic ones or marriages but with friends, coworkers and parents, affect every part of our lives.  

Including how we see ourselves. 

It's important to realize that we ALL people please in one way or another. It's human nature. 

We want to be a part of the tribe. We need to be loved or accepted by our peers and sometimes that requires compromise and flexibility.  There always needs to be a certain amount of give and take. That is not people-pleasing. 

BUT, when it’s often and you’re finding yourself always going with what someone else wants, even though inside you’re screaming “NO!” you've got a problem. 

Whether you’re saying yes to your boss asking you to take on yet ANOTHER piece of work that you really can't fit in, or saying, 

“Sure darling, I’d love to go to the bar with you and watch <insert whatever dumb sport here> for the 5 weekend in a row even though I really would rather just stay home with netflix and a glass of Chardonnay”

Its all people-pleasing, and those are just some small examples. Often it's far bigger than that. 

I’ve worked with women who have changed careers, their dreams, their look, even their bodies to make someone else happy. 

I’ve BEEN that woman myself.

I can't tell you how destructive it really is, because people-pleasing or going with what others want out of fear or to avoid conflict is dishonest.  It's a form of manipulation to get what we THINK we want. 

And the biggest problem with that dishonestly is that it doesn’t take long to go from lying to others about what we really want, to lying to ourselves.

It’s easier just to pretend that we don’t want what we want than it is to admit that we’ve hidden, crushed and destroyed the truth of what we want and need in relationships. 

Do that for long enough and you’ll wake up suddenly one day and realize that you’ve been someone else's version of you for so long that you have no idea who you are.

It reminds me of a relationship I was in years ago where I was essentially people pleased my way into becoming a second mother to my boyfriend.

Not by choice I might add, but I believed that I had to keep him happy in order to make the relationship successful. It was somehow my job to shoulder that responsibility. 

What I really wanted was to be able to say “I need you to be the other Adult in this relationship. I need to not be expected to parent you for this to work”

What I did instead was clean up after him, made sure our bills were paid and that all the adulting was taken care of so that the boat didn’t get rocked. 

I kept my mouth shut when I should have said something. 

I took care of things myself when I wanted to ask for and require help. 

I befriended his friends and went along with the activities that he wanted to do because it was easier than asking him to also explore my wants. 

I became the “perfect” girlfriend who tolerated all his behavior and went along with whatever he wanted without complaint. 

As I’m sure you’ve guessed, that relationship didn’t end well.

Because you can only maintain the lies for so long before you either surrender yourself to the misery that this is your life now (And become depressed) or you blow up. 

I went the blow up route and demanded that he clean up his own damn mess one day!

Actually, as I recall, it basically ended with his mother calling me and telling me that boys just needed taking care of so I should suck it up (Not sure who invited her to the argument) but that’s a whole other therapy session. For them, not me!

But when I finally let go of that relationship I realized that in my desire to be loved and accepted, I had people-pleased my way into being someone I didn't even recognize. 

And did NOT want to be. 

People pleasing doesn't have to be as dramatic as my relationship was to have a negative effect. It can be as simple as feeling like you always have to check emails outside of work time, or that you can't say no to hanging out with your in-laws when you're actually exhausted and want to rest. Or not sticking to your new year's resolution because your husband doesn't like healthy food. 

Sometimes it's as simple as toning down your excitement over something so other people aren't uncomfortable. 

Every time you unconsciously do something because it's what “other people” want, when you would have done it differently, you get further away from being true to yourself. 

And it's uncomfortable as hell, but taking the time to question why you're doing it, and if it's really worth it… can be a life changing experience. 

No thank you to January 1st!

Welcome to 2022!

If you’re like the rest of the human race, you’re currently between

THIS IS GOING TO BE MY BEST YEAR EVER

or

I don't even know where to start!

You are in good company my dear. This changing your life business can be tough! Even when you have a plan and know what you’re doing.

Like most people, I have goals for this year. BIG goals. Both personal and for my business. 

But unlike most people, I’m not rushing to leap into them.

My strategy is one that's calm, carefully thought out and doesn't require me to hustle my way into stress that's going to make my brain freak out…

Or send me straight into a pint of peanut butter ice cream. 

I want to share my strategy with you, and why I do it this way… so stick around I promise to try be short!

In January I do decide what my goals will be, but I EASE my way in. 

Instead of trying to overhaul my whole life on Jan 1, as well as get back to work and everything else that comes with not being on vacation… like getting my brain back on board and getting out of my pajamas every day…  I just take a couple weeks to adjust and lay the foundations for my year.

I start with just taking stock of my life and deciding… what do I really want to achieve this year? What would make a meaningful change to my life?

Then I pick 1 goal. Yes, JUST ONE!

and I break it down into something I can do within about 3 months. 

This makes it way easier to implement AND doesn’t send me into an anxious spin of

THIS IS MY LIFE NOW AND I HAVE TO DO IT PERFECTLY FOREVER!

Then I spend some time looking at what will need to change.

What habits need to be built

Where I’m likely to get stuck and off track.

What strategies I can create around those exact things.

Who I need to become to reach that goal. 

When I’ve got all that firmly settled in my mind, I GO!

There are two reasons why I do this. 

The first is to avoid overload. 

Your brain literally cannot deal with a whole bunch of changes at once. It like change AT ALL, and if you overload it, it takes just one bad day to switch back to what it was doing before. 

This is why most people's resolutions don't last. Their brain isn't on board. 

The other reason is because I know that my goals aren't really what will make me happy. 

When we rush towards a goal it's almost always because we think it will change how we feel about ourselves. 

I will never forget the day that I stepped on the scale and had achieved my goal weight. 

It was bitterly disappointing. 

I thought that reaching that magic number would make me happy, confident, brimming with self respect. 

It didn't. I had worked incredibly hard on my weight loss, but never took a moment to fix the real reasons why I wasn't confident and happy. 

I know now that jumping into changes, desperate to reach my goal means that I’m placing a dangerous pressure on myself. That pressure alone can throw you off track.

Because on days when its hard (and there WILL be days where its hard or you fail outright) it seems like a much bigger failure than it really is if your self esteem and happiness is riding on it.
 

So before you jump into 2022 and make ALL THE CHANGES, take a little time to step back and really get clear what you want, pick only one goal at a time and get smart with your strategies!

Happy New Year and Go get em!

My sisters legacy of a life fully lived.

Today is the 22 anniversary of my sister Caitlinn’s death. 

I was 15 and I will remember every millisecond of that day in vivid detail until I die.

There is no way to soften the experience of losing a sibling, especially in traumatic circumstances. 

And while there are many philosophies on death and grief, what I want to share today is a very small look at the many unexpected gifts that my sister's life and death have given me over the years. 

Because honestly the impact on my life is immeasurable. 

The first is the gift of grief and depression. 

And don't get me wrong, I can see this as a gift after many years down the line. For more than a decade after her death, the depression and unresolved grief, guilt and trauma was horrific and debilitating. 

There were many times I did not think I would survive it, and even now I'm often surprised that I did. 

The gift that I see now is the deep understanding that both grief and depression is 100% a normal part of the human experience. 

And our cultural attitude of hiding or pathologizing it is deeply destructive.

I strongly believe that part of the reason I suffered so badly is because the messaging I got about my experience was that Grief and Trauma was a sign that something has gone drastically wrong. It was something to be immediately resolved. (But of course not too fast because you need to be seen to be suffering or you didn't truly love the person. Thanks society. Eye roll.) 

Both of those things are normal human reactions to adverse experiences. 

The idea that our human emotions are things to be negotiated with, avoided, or resolved, is fascinating to me now because I understand how insane that is as a concept. 

At no point in my journey did anyone say to me “Hey, your sister died. How you're feeling is absolutely ok”. 

Literally no one.  It was always “You’ll be fine, just get through it”

Not once did anyone say to me “Of course you're experiencing guilt if you’re telling yourself that you could have saved her but didn't because you're not good enough”.

I made circumstances (Especially ones beyond my control) mean something about my worth as a person. Something we ALL do in one way or another, and one of the most dangerous things we do. 

Understanding that alone would have saved me years of suffering. 

What I’ve learned through that experience is that all feelings are real and valid… and just feelings. 

What I mean by that is that a feeling is literally just our thoughts made physical in our bodies. 

That's it. 

Yes it can be intensely painful. Uncomfortable. Horrifying even.  Sometimes so intense that our brain is convinced we might die from the feeling. 
As anyone who has ever had a panic attack will tell you. 

But it's just a physical sensation that passes. 

It lives with us in my body for a time, and then disappears. (If you don't fight it, but that's a conversation for another day)

But the gift in this experience is that I learned that everything I feel is valid, and its also just a feeling. 

If I am able to allow myself to feel my grief, my depression, my guilt, my trauma AND KNOW that it will pass through me and I will be unharmed… There is NOTHING that I can't survive.

The other thing that always stands out to me as a gift, is my life as it is. 

My sister's death set off a chain of events that have lead me to where I am now. In many ways, her passing was the catalyst for the extraordinary life I have been privileged to lead.  

Without the experience, I would not be who I am. 

I went through a period of grief for the person I had been and who I might have been if she had not died, and I’ve learned that there has to be a space for letting go of who you thought you would become. 

Recognizing that the version of you that was or might have been, is also dead. 

Then moving on from it.  We cannot resurrect something that will never be. 

And most importantly, my sister's passing helped teach me the futility of fear. 

In the Hagakure, the Samurai were given the instruction to remember their inevitable death constantly  “Only when you constantly live as though already dead will you be able to find freedom”.

We do so much in life because of fear. From the decision we make about what we want to do for work, to how we relate to the people around us. 

We constantly come up against fears. 

The fear of failure, or not being liked, even of succeeding.

When you really understand that no matter how successful you are. No matter how popular you are. No matter how happy you are… you will eventually die, you realize what a waste of time fear really is.  

I know that probably sounds pretty depressing to most people, but when you really embody it, what it means is that you might as well just go for it. Just DO the things.  Have the experiences. Try, fail. Try, succeed. 

Whatever floats your boat. Whatever would make this life meaningful and full for you. 

There is tremendous freedom in knowing that all that matters is what you chose to do, and that fear is actually pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. 

When I think of my sister, I feel tremendous love for the experiences we had with her in our lives. 

I don't grieve for the loss of that. 

I grieve for the life unlived. I grieve for who she might have been and what we might have done with this one brief life we get. 

And to this day, that is what drives me to do what I do, and why I coach and encourage. 

I don't want anyone to get to the end of their life, and grieve for what they could have done or been. 

The greatest gift my sister's passing gave me, is the deep and true knowledge that I will never allow myself to leave any potential part of my life unlived.

But EVERYBODY believes it... and other such lies.

This weekend I had the most fascinating experience of seeing belief systems causing chaos out in the wild. 

A group of friends and I met for a light dinner and cocktails and after a couple of hours, when the peppermint martinis were flowing thick and fast and my friends and I were getting louder and more giggly, my husband quietly kissed me goodbye, told me to have a great time and headed home. 

And then the bar hopping, dancing and shots began. It was chaos and a thumping good time, and we didn’t go to bed till the sun was coming up the next day. It was the perfect evening…

For everyone except my friend's husband who simply could not deal with the fact that MY husband didn't stay for the rest of the party. 

It was quite spectacular to watch him rant and rave about it, claiming that my husband had abandoned me, and that it wasn't right!  The fact that I wasn't even upset about it was, in his words “NOT NORMAL” because “EVERYONE knows that's not ok, NOBODY else would have done that”

He was really rather upset by it all. 

And I just had to smile as I watched his confusion when I pointed out that clearly “Everybody” in his argument wasn’t accurate because there I was, standing before him, totally ok with it.

I was literal evidence before his very eyes of someone for whom it was totally normal, and ok.  and Happy about it even, because if Hubs had stayed, Id probably have spent most of the night worrying about him.

The thing with beliefs and opinions, is that we are convinced that they are true, and will always find evidence for what we believe. Whatever that belief is. 

Whether it's “Married couples have to do everything together” or something like “You have to make a lot of money to be happy”...

Our brains convince us that it’s 100% a universally true thing that “everyone” else believes. 

And they generally have absolutely nothing to do with the actual circumstances. Our beliefs are just our interpretations. And we get to choose how we view the things that happen.

In my friend's husband's mind, the fact that My Hubs didn't stay for the wilder part of the night was a reflection that he didn't care enough about me. That he didn't somehow fulfill his husbandish obligation to be present for the entirety of the party. 

If I believed, as he does, that spouses need to do everything together otherwise it's evidence that they don't love each other, then YES I probably would have been very upset. 

But I have a different set of beliefs around relationships that allow me to have a totally different experience of that exact same event. 

It’s true that Hubs left at 9pm, leaving me with my friends. 

But it's also true that my husband doesn't like crowds. 

It's also true that he doesn't like drinking unless he’s at home and that he doesn't enjoy being around people who have been drinking heavily. 

AND it's true that my husband not enjoying these things… is in no way a reflection of his feelings for me. 

And it's ALSO true, that my desire to stay out and continue the celebrations even though he wanted to leave, isn't a reflection of my feelings for him. 

Which is why I was able to say to him “I don't think I’m coming home tonight, I’m in the mood to go crazy with my friends. I love you, see you in the morning”.  And not make it mean anything more than that.

When you’ve learned to unpack the belief systems that you have, and are able to unravel what you make things that happen MEAN in relation to those beliefs, you get to change the way that you live your life. 

My friend's husband is correct in saying that “It’s not normal” because it's not.  It's so uncommon that even after explaining it, he couldn't wrap his mind around a “different” way even being possible.

His belief system would even let him entertain the possibility. 

Most people never CHOOSE a deliberate way of thinking and living. 

And even fewer people have relationships where each partner actively works on taking responsibility for what they think and choose to bring into the mix. 

Imagine being in a relationship where the ONLY thing that mattered is what you and your partner decided was important within your partnership. A relationship where you get what you want, without worrying about what “Everybody else” thinks about you. 

It’s not “normal” but it's glorious. 

It’s possible when you’ve done the inner work, and learned to carefully examine your beliefs that you can CHOOSE a totally different kind of relationship… 

The best part though is that you can do that with any part of your life. 

And that my darlings is the most powerful ability you possess.

Its the most toxic time of the year...

I think that the “Holidays” are one of the most potentially toxic times of the year. 

Yup, I said it. 

I believe that the time between mid November and early January is a minefield of toxic options and generally being shitty to ourselves. 

Whether you blame the movies or just the general way that our culture views the holiday season, we have created a hugely pressurized season of expectation, failure and people pleasing.

There is a reason why the rates of depression, anxiety and suicide skyrocket this time of the year. 

I first really saw and understood it in my late teens, watching my own Mother work herself half to death to BLOW CHRISTMAS UP. 

But seriously, if making Christmas perfect was an Olympic sport, you better believe my Mum would be up there in the ranking.  But some of my most significant memories of Christmas eve come from the awareness of her still being up at 2am wrapping gifts and making things perfect.

And I want to be clear that I’ve LOVED every Christmas she's ever staged for us, but I’ve also watched her put incredible pressure on herself, making herself responsible for ensuring that everyone has the BEST Christmas ever. Every. Single. Year.

I’ve felt the pressure myself, particularly since moving to the United States, to craft the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas experience, and to ensure that the Holidays are special...

and magical

and perfect

and everyone has a good time

and there's no conflict

and everything looks Instagram worthy

and I’m wearing the perfect outfit

and I’ve managed to lose some weight in the lead up so I look good in pictures

and I’m relaxed enough to enjoy some treats

and not too many because I have to stay cute

and I have to be nice to everyone

and be around people I don't like because its the Holidays

and put up with behavior that's uncool for the sake of peace

and I have to pretend that I’m always having a good time

and I have to seamlessly navigate complicated dynamics with blended families and children

and try to accommodate for everyone's dietary preferences by making 20 different dishes

and finish up my work before the holidays

and attended several Christmas functions that I never really wanted to go to

and make time to catch up before the holidays with other women as stressed out as I am

oh and book a mini session for photographs.. and maybe do a personalized card

AND I still have to find, buy and wrap the perfect gifts for everyone

All with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, because it's the most wonderful time of the year…. 

Or some such bullshit. 

Again, I’d like to be clear that I  LOVE the holiday season. 

But I love it more since I’ve dropped the massive and unrealistic expectations we have around Christmas.  

Because for most people, it's not all peppermint mochas and sequins. 

Christmas is for many a sad and difficult  time of the year.  I know it is for me. 

It reminds us of loved ones who aren't there anymore or who can't be with us.

It brings up grief at less than happy family dynamics or remembered trauma. 

It triggers our disordered relationships with food and body insecurities.

It causes us to overcompensate for our perceived failures or stress by spending too much. 

It brings up our fears that we aren't giving our children the “perfect” childhood experiences.

It suffocates us with people pleasing, because we don't want to be the one who “ruins Christmas” by honoring our boundaries.

And on top of it all, we judge ourselves incredibly harshly , because dammit it's Christmas and you're supposed to be HAPPY!

But I want to tell you that there is room for all of it. 

You don't have to try to squish down your feelings and pretend that everything is all magical. 

It's not all perfect or all crap. 
It's a little perfect and it's a little crap. 
It's a little grief and a little enchantment. 
It's a little joy at being with your family, and a little frustration at being with your family.
It can be stressful and magical. 

You’re human. You have space for all the experiences inside yourself, without beating yourself up and telling yourself that you’re “failing at the Holidays”

If you’re feeling this pressure and want to shift how the holidays make you feel, reach out and book a “Help me through the holidays” mini session via zoom. 40 minutes of coaching to help you keep your sanity, and actually enjoy the season. Click here to book

What do I want to do when I grow up?

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the question we always ask kids, 

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

And thinking about how that question really sets us up for such a strange relationship with our lives. 

My answer, memorialized in a first grade notebook that my Mother kept for years, was that I wanted to live on a beach with my dog and be an artist!

I’ve asked kids this myself and been rewarded with a variety of answers from the stock standard response of “fireman” to “Ninja with fairy wings”.

We place so much importance on that question, and of course the intention behind it is to ask people, what kind of JOB do you intend to do when you’re an adult?

But I often find myself wondering about the pressure to figure out what job you want, rather than encourage an exploration of who you want to be. 

Because they are drastically different things.

We have a cultural problem of measuring the value of a person's life by what activity they do in exchange for money. 

We have a cultural problem of equating our LIFE with our JOB. 

Given that we spend a significant part of our lives working it’s easy to see why, but I feel like we really should stop equating “what job do you want to do” with “what do you want to do with your life”.

If for no other reason than it seriously limits the ways in which you get to explore who you are and what your life could be. 

It tricks us into thinking that the job = the life. 

And that my darling is a recipe for disaster. We are so so much more than the job we do.  

So many people come to coaching with questions like;

 “What would be the ideal job for me?”

“How can I be more confident at work so I can get promoted?”

“I hate my boss so much, how can I get out?”

But find that what would REALLY change their lives is finding answers to questions like,

“If I look past my job, what I DO and the stuff I have, who AM I?”

“How can I build the confidence to be able to face any challenge that comes my way?”

“How can I create inner resilience that will help me change how I deal with conflict?”

These kinds of questions lead you to answers that show you who you ARE and what you're capable of.

Those kinds of questions have nothing to do with what your job is, but who you choose to be in this life. 

Which leads to my favorite thing to ask myself.

What do I want to DO with this life I have?

The most expensive lesson of my life so far.

What seems like a lifetime ago now, I fell in love with a boy. 

Totally, head over heels, this is going to end badly, probably with stabbings and poisonings a La Shakespeare, at first sight kind of love. 

And I knew without a doubt that we were incompatible. 

We were very different. Not in the fun “opposites attract” kind of way. But on a deep, priorities and values kind of level. 

It was never going to work. 

However, being the ninja level people pleaser that I was, while he was still distracted with the pretty packaging I came with, I analyzed who I needed to be in order for him to love me the way I loved him and set about becoming that person. 

I worked really hard at being the perfect girl for him, and he, naturally, fell in love with that person. 

But of course, PLOT TWIST, I wasn't really that person. 

And anyone who has ever felt like they needed to change themselves to make someone else happy will tell you…

You can only keep it up for so long before you start to either slip, or become resentful. 

Both of those lead to bad things.

I started thinking about that relationship again recently after having discussions with several clients who are realizing that they have become what everyone else around them needs or wants them to be.

Something I hear a lot, especially from my clients who are married or have kids is “I don’t know what I want!”, “I don’t know what I like”, “I don’t know what I need”.

And its often because they have spent so long molding themselves to the IDEA of who they should be, that they have lost touch with who they actually are. 

I mentioned this concept to my husband who looked at me rather shocked and said “I’ve never asked you to do that have I?” 

And I had to just smile at him, because no, hes never asked. But often as women we take the idea of being the peacekeepers and the “happy” makers so seriously that no one actually needs to ask.

We just do. 

We remove our boundaries so that others get what they want. 

We stay quiet to keep the peace. 

We let go of our ambitions to suit the needs of those around us. 

We go along with what others prefer so that we feel connected and safe.

We stop being honest about who we are because we think it will prevent conflict.

Spoiler alert. It never does. 

It actually creates more.

Much like my relationship with that boy I adored so much. 

As soon as I could no longer stomach pretending to be someone I wasn't. When I could no longer put up with behavior that was not in alignment with my own. When I could no longer lie about what was important to me. 

It imploded in spectacular and devastating fashion. 

Leaving us both heartbroken, hurt, confused, and me in about $30k worth of debt. 

During the years I spent paying that debt off, I began to see it as the cost of tuition. It was a payment for one of the most important lessons of my life. 

Trying to be someone you’re not, will eventually cost you everything. I’m lucky that all it cost me was money.

Why bubble baths arent cutting it on the self care front

Self care is such a loaded topic for women. It comes with some of the most ridiculous prescriptions for what it looks like, think candle lit baths and pedicures. 

Now there's nothing wrong with enjoying a nice long hot soak in the tub but more and more I feel like the self care “rituals” that we are sold are really a distraction from what's actually causing this frantic narrative of self care that seems to be seeping into every conversation about women’s wellness. 

Recently a woman said to me “I seem to always be doing things for everyone else, to my own detriment”. Almost every woman I have ever worked with has expressed something similar. 

And it made me think about the years that I’ve spent working in not for profit environments where people are constantly on the verge of burnout. Every person does their job, and then picks up whatever other slack there is. Often people are poorly supported in their roles, almost invariably poorly paid, and largely managing unrealistic expectations. 

And it hit me. 

Women are a not for profit industry

Capable of taking on way more than what’s in the job description. Never being adequately compensated. Often without adequate support and keeping it up way past the point of insanity and burnout.

As women, we often either don't have boundaries when it comes to how much of ourselves we are willing to burn up in the pursuit of managing careers, homes, families and social lives. 

And of course there’s just an assumption that if you’re a “good woman” you’ll burn yourself out for others out of the goodness of your heart.

The expression “A woman's work is never done, is a testament to what we allow ourselves to accept. Sacrifice and self neglect.

Because if you don't, you're just selfish.

Or don't have your shit together.

You’re not good enough. 

But instead of being encouraged to define what our true priorities are, and creating boundaries around what we are and aren't willing to do without killing ourselves

AND believing that it’s OK...

Instead we’re offered the illusion that a bubble bath and treating ourselves will somehow address this gaping need that we have to have our OWN needs satisfied. 

Which in itself is rather tragic. If we’re so deeply over-committed and exhausted by everything we feel we have to take on, that carving out 15 minutes to have a cup of coffee alone or throw on a face mask is considered luxurious… it’s a HUGE red flag that our basic needs aren't being met. 

And I want to offer that it's about bloody time we took our own needs seriously. 

After all, how can you become the person you truly desire to be in this life, if you spent it circling around the drain of overwhelm and burnout. 

What would be different in your life if you had the confidence to say:
 

“This is what I want and what I’m willing to do”

“My value as a human is NOT tied to how much I can squeeze into a day”

“I am 1000x more effective when my needs are taken care of”

What would that feel like?

I’d like to challenge you to try even just one of those things over the next week. 

And once your brain has stopped yelling at you about what a terrible idea that is and how everything will fall apart and everyone will be mad…

Let yourself just sink into it and see what changes.

Logical reasons not to do amazing things.

This last week I have worked with some brilliant people.

One is about to publish a 3rd book.

One has incredible business development skills and crazy insight into how to improve people's businesses in a digital space.

One is an award-winning artist on the verge of the biggest career move of their life.

Ones a single parent of two with a brilliant entrepreneurial streak.

Ones a brilliant and experienced life coach about to start a podcast that's been in the works for 2 years.

Ok well... that last one is actually me!

but you better believe I've had some coaching this week because everyone on this list has something in common.

We're all about to do something AMAZING and coming up with garbage nonsense reasons to not go ahead and do it.

I was telling myself that I needed a proper podcasting microphone before I could start.

The Fancy Shmancy microphone I bought has been sitting on my desk for weeks.

I was telling myself there was a ton of technical knowledge I needed first. 20 minutes on google had that sorted out... a month ago.

I told myself the "cover art" had to be compelling and stand out.

Yeah, that's been done for a while now too.

and every single person I've coached this week who wants to do something bigger has been presenting the same perfectly logical and acceptable excuses as.

The Reason I Can't.

And it’s nonsense.

I promise you, it's never the logistical stuff.

It's never the technical stuff, the cover art, the perfect resume or the ideal diet.

If you have access to google you can figure that shit out or pay someone to do it for you.

It's you.

It's your fear.

It's your brain.

It's convinced that anything new and scary is terrifying.

That people will judge you. Laugh at you.

Reject you.

It doesn't matter.

You won't die, even if your brain tells you that you will.

Do. It. Anyway.

Done is always better than perfect.

Even if it doesn't go according to plan, nothing is worse than living with the crippling regret of never having done it.

Depression would be easier

Depression is sometimes very seductive.

I remember in the depths of my depression feeling like it was a deep dark hole that I would never escape from, and although that felt like absolute shit, it felt safe in a strange way too.

I felt like I didn't ever need to do anything because I was sick. No one expected anything from me, because I was broken.

As terrible as it was to be so deeply depressed, it also felt easy.

It was somehow ok that I didn't leave my house for 2 years. It was ok that I slept for 14 hours a day and played computer games compulsively when I did manage to crawl out of bed. It was ok to not care if I had brushed my hair or teeth that week.

I simply didn't have to participate in life.

I realized much later on that although being depressed was one of the worst experiences of my life, it was also one of the easiest.

It was the perfect reason to never do anything. To never put effort into anything. To never confront myself. To never change.

And even now when I've had what feels like a really tough week. I'm faced with my own fears and insecurities that love to pop up when I'm doing something hard. Or when I'm venturing past my comfort zone, or feeling overwhelmed...

A seductive little voice whispers to me

"If you just went back to being depressed, you could let go of all this and no one would ask why."

It's such a dangerous thought. Because I know that it would FEEL easier in the moment.

It makes perfect logical sense to my brain. If I just have a breakdown then I would have a totally legitimate excuse to not do what I'm trying to do and then I would feel safe (If somewhat stagnant and deeply unhappy!) because it's what I know.

Which is always less terrifying than the experience of being afraid of what we DONT know.

Staying stuck where we are, even if that’s not what we want, always feels like a safer and easier option.

The ugly truth that people don't tell you about personal development, especially when it's always presented with this gross overly positive "Living in the land of rainbows and Unicorns" bullshit, is that change often feels like crap.

Truly! That's what so few people really go after what they want in life. It requires a lot from you. While you're in the middle of it, it's incredibly uncomfortable and you question why you're doing it (and occasionally your sanity!) Your human brain will fight you every step of the way.

And it's WORTH IT.

It would take zero effort for me to slip back into depression and let the world just happen passively around me. I could easily choose that for my life. And my brain likes to tell me that it would be the less painful choice. (Which is 100% a lie by the way. There is nothing more painful than believing you're trapped in the shitshow of a life that you don't want)

And I would miss out on every single incredible experience, relationship, event, and the impact that I have chosen to create in the 13 years since I resolved my depression.

I would miss out on the opportunity of CREATING my own life and all the insane magic that does exist in that.

Even though sometimes it feels scary and hard and uncomfortable.

You should have a Bonsai Tree

Last week I had such a fun conversation with a fellow coach. 

She was having some drama over feeling like she needed to have an impressive hobby.

She actually said the words 

"I should because all successful people have hobbies, things like keeping bonsai trees!"

I’d like to know where it is written that successful people have Bonsai trees.

But what was interesting about it is that she kept bringing up the idea that she should be doing something different to what she IS doing. 

I SHOULD, if you haven't already noticed, is a pretty toxic thought that's probably making you feel like crap.

Because when we say 'Well I SHOULD be doing this" the underlying message is "I'm not and so something is wrong."

And it sneaks in so innocently like it's trying to help. 

After the Bonsai tree incident, I got curious and looked for all the ways in my life I tell myself I should be doing something. 

Over the course of the week, I discovered that it’s EVERYWHERE, and creates a lot of unnecessary stress!

I should always have a spotless house. 

I should get up earlier and work out. 

I should be more productive during my downtime. 

I should eat breakfast. 

I should dress in a certain way. 

I should lose weight. 

I should network more. 

I should spend more time on… Fill in the blank. 

And we often look at the whole SHOULDING business as something positive, like we’ve identified all these wonderful things that if we did them our life and somehow be better. 

But what actually happens is that the "should" basically just means "What I'm doing is not good enough."

Which of course brings up a whole host of problems and creates so much mental drama, so much stress and so much lack of confidence that the whole Shoulding on yourself is a much bigger problem than most people think. 

That doesn’t mean that you don’t do any of the things that you’re telling yourself you should, it just means you got to stop judging yourself so harshly because you’re not doing them. 

I don’t know about you, but telling myself I should do something very rarely motivates me to actually do it.

Thinking about how much I enjoy having a calm, organized and clean house is much more motivating than telling myself I should have a clean house and somehow I'm "bad" if I don't. 

It also means that on days where I don’t get round to cleaning because I have other priorities, my brain then turns it into evidence of why I’m a shit person who doesn’t have together because I SHOULD HAVE A SPOTLESS HOUSE. 

Telling myself that I SHOULD get up and start my day at 5 am because that's what "successful people do", makes me already feel like a failure as soon as the alarm goes off at 6:30. 

Not a great mindset to start the day with!

I know this seems like a really small shift, but going through my week just picking through the shoulds and weeding out the ones that really don’t need to be sitting in my head, re-framing the ones that I do actually want to do has been a very liberating experience. 

So after a week of really challenging it by asking myself "But WHY should I?" And being honest about how I feel about the reasons that come up, I've decided to just let go of "I Shoulds" permanently because it's really not actually helpful!

  Which in just a week, has left me feeling so much calmer, more confident, and so much less critical of myself as a whole. 

What other people think... is actually not about me AKA Why I was planning on leaving town.

Last week I had a situation where I accidentally discovered that I was being discussed over email in some rather unpleasant terms.

And I had a massive meltdown.

It was 11 pm at night, and so naturally instead of going to bed and dealing with it the next day…

I stayed awake and brooded over it till 4 am.

My brain and I went all the way from “I’ve been betrayed” to “I’ll just move to another town” (yes I literally had this thought) and everything in between.

I even drafted a very long, very angry email to everyone involved.

And when I was done with my poor me, pity party drama, I finally took a moment to step away from it, and was totally honest with myself.

It wasn’t really a big deal.

But it had pushed all the buttons.

You know, the ones that say “nobody likes me” or my personal favorite “why is everyone always out to get me?” That one is always a fun time in my head.

Those buttons have a big ol label on them that reads THINGS IM SECRETLY AFRAID ARE TRUE ABOUT ME.

So once I got over myself and looked honestly at my own fears about what it meant that people were talking about me, I realized something.

While there were a few things that I did need to own up to and resolve, most of the conversation wasn’t even about me!

Sure it was being discussed like it was me, but in truth, most of it was about THEIR OWN thoughts and fears.

And there are two reasons why this is important.

1- I stopped torturing myself with my drama about how everyone hated me. Because mentally punching yourself in the face doesn’t actually do a damn bit of good.

2- I was able to resolve it directly with those people without drama and without more hurt feelings.

As a result of being able to own my part in the situation, and then having open honest conversations where I wasn’t on the defensive or taking other people's fears personally, I ended up getting to know those people so much better and being able to trust them so much more.

Relationships were strengthened instead of destroyed.

A VERY different outcome from the one my brain had mapped out at 2am which resulted in me firing everyone, quitting on a project or leaving town!

What this taught me is that, while it can be incredibly difficult not to get upset about other people's behaviors, even in the most challenging situations, it’s still my choice as to how I react, how I chose to feel, and what I make it all mean.

Because sometimes, often, it’s actually not about us.

It’s about what’s going on in other people's heads… and THAT is not our problem.

Scared to death and doing it anyway

I did something this week that absolutely terrified me.

I deliberately put myself in a position where I had no idea what I was doing.

I tried to coach someone using a brand new format that I’m still learning and don’t fully understand yet and I did it in a Zoom Room full of people who were there to watch and critique.

And it was awful.

I stumbled over my words.

I struggled to stay focused while my brain screamed that everyone was judging me.

At one point I just went blank and I sat there for what felt like a full 5 minutes not having a clue what I should do or say next.

It really felt like crap.  I felt like an idiot.

And it was totally OK.

For years I’ve struggled to do anything in front of people that I haven't practiced and perfected first.  

I always believed on some level that if people saw me before I was “perfect” that they would discover the awful truth about me.

That I’m not perfect. I’m flawed. Broken somehow.

That because I’m not perfect, I have no value.

Its little wonder why, with a shitty belief like that, I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding doing so many things.

I gave up a career in music because I was terrified of people seeing me rehearse before I was “perfect”.

I avoided applying for dream jobs because I wasn’t perfect yet.

I’ve deleted more blog posts than you can possibly imagine because they weren't perfect.  I probably could have finished writing more than one book by now!

Before any event or party I would agonize over what to wear and what to say to people so that I could appear to have my life together. Generally, I would end up just not going.

The list of ways I've let being scared of what people would think of me dictate my life choices is the past is staggering

But recently I realized something that has truly changed my life.

Being afraid isn't actually that bad.  And everyone else is generally feeling the same way.

I spent so much time trying to avoid how crappy it felt to be afraid of what people might think, that I didn’t even see that I was feeling crappy anyway, and that it wasn’t actually that scary.

It’s just a fast heartbeat. Butterflies in my stomach. A jittery sensation.

That’s all.

Whether I feel scared, or judged or stupid,  its just a feeling.  

As I’m feeling it, it’s already done its worst.

So this week when I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of my peers.  When I was afraid of letting them see how unprepared I was. How much of a beginner I was…

Knowing that if I ran away from it I would miss another great opportunity.

I put up my hand and said “I’ll do it”.  

And the worst thing that happened, was I had some feelings.

The Rules Aren't Real

Like many of us, I grew up in an environment that prioritized The Rules. 
 
Good people. Smart people. Respected people. Worthy people... all followed The Rules. (That's one of the rules by the way)
 
For years I collected etiquette books because I believed that if I just followed the rules then everything would be fine. 
 
But it wasn't just the rules of manners that I was taking on. I'd internalized rules from people around me. 
 
Rules like:

• Women don't make "real" money, that's why you need a husband.

• Nice girls don't show off their intelligence.

• Make everyone around you happy and you'll be loved.

• You'll never be successful or respected if you're fat.

• You should want to get married and have children.

• No one makes money with their art.

• If you don't have the big house and fancy stuff, you're a failure.

• Everyone's always looking at you, so be perfect.

• You have to work harder than anyone else to prove yourself.

Any of these sounding familiar?  
 
Here's the problem with ALL those rules and the MANY others we all buy into. 
 
We believe that they are an instruction manual and that if we just follow them... everything will be ok. 
 
We will be loved and successful and happy. 
 
BUT, there is a terrible truth about The Rules. 
 
Someone just made them up. 
 
They aren't real. 
 
Worse still, we've taken all these made-up (and often ridiculous) rules and we base our entire sense of value on them.
 
And because we're always looking outwards to other people's rule book, we only know how to value ourselves based on other people's opinions.
 
We never learn how to value ourselves based on what WE believe is truly important.
 
We accept our sense of value from other people. 
 
WE BASE OUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH ON SOMEONE ELSE'S MADE-UP NONSENSE RULES. 
 
And what this results in is a whole bunch of smart, capable women with big dreams who feel trapped by their lives and just can’t seem to get their shit together.  
 
Because we’re wasting so much of our precious time and energy trying to do all the “right” things. Ticking all the boxes and fulfilling all the expectations. 

Making everyone ELSE happy.
 
And its time we stopped playing by those garbage rules. 


Tarryne
xox

Dont budget at 3am

I got no sleep last night.

For some reason just after I turned out the lights I had decided it would be a good idea to think about my finances…

And subsequently spent the next 3 hours doing mental gymnastics with every cent I had and convincing myself that I was on the verge of bankruptcy… and that I had somehow missed budgeting for an upcoming payment of 5 thousand dollars.

Cue a complete panic that had me running my budget over and over in my head, trying to figure out how I was going to explain it to my husband, and finally applying for a loan to cover the amount.

Yes, I was sneaking around in the dark trying to find all the necessary paperwork and do an online application at 3 am.

I eventually got myself together and did some self-coaching and realized that everything was actually ok… I just can't math when I’m tired and it's late.

There is literally no problem here.

But my reaction was SO interesting.

I was completely invested in the fact that I could have made a mistake like that and was throwing myself hard into finding a solution.

And this morning when I revisited the incident to unravel it, I figured out the real reason why.

I’m not worried about the money.

I’m worried about what I’ve spent that money on.

Recently I committed a sum that is roughly equal to my current annual income into a certification program to become a more skilled life coach.

It's a big deal. A major uplevel for my life.

And I am terrified that I’m going to fail at it.

I have a fear that the money will have been wasted because I won't be good enough.

But THAT fear is beyond scary because there is no simple solution.

I can't logic my way out of it.

Needing an extra $5k next month? You had better believe that I will find a way to make that happen.

Letting go of the fear that I’m not good enough and cant actually help people…. a little trickier.

The money thing is a smokescreen drama. A difficult, but more solvable puzzle that lets me pretend that I don’t feel the other more real fear, the one that requires so much more from me to resolve.

It requires me to admit that fear and look it right in the eye.

I have to really be honest with myself, to actively chose my thoughts and beliefs about my value as a person.

It requires me to take control of what I spend my mental energy on.

I remember seeing this a lot with people trying to lose weight in the Clinic I used to work at.

Focusing on getting to a goal weight is a nice neat puzzle that's solvable with a plan and a structure.

Allowing us to ignore the fact that the real issue is we believe ourselves to be less than, unlovable or damaged somehow. (And believing that weight loss will somehow fix that… a topic for another day!)

Focusing on the smokescreen fears might make us feel like we’re taking action and making progress, but really they are a way to quietly ignore the scarier fear that in order to solve… we have to truly grow.

The opportunity to rise

This morning I was reading through some of the posts about Kobe Bryant and the tragic accident that killed him, his daughter and several friends. I didn't know much about him, (Having no real interest in basketball) but I was struck by a particular quote that I saw shared several times.

"Everything negative - pressure, challenges - is all an opportunity for me to rise" - Kobe Bryant

This is such an incredibly simple but profound statement. I sat for a while contemplating it and the fact that so many of us miss the vital nature of this concept because THIS is the place where it all happens. This idea of rising in adversity IS the actual work that we must do if we are ever to become who we aspire to, and are made to be.

Preparing yourself for change is not hard, regardless of what kind. Sitting down and deciding on goals, creating action plans, making decisions about what you want your life to look like, that is not the work. That's the fun stuff.

It's easy for me to sit down with my journal and decide that I want to have a level of mastery over my anxiety or my tendency to give in to my depressive feelings and backslide into weeks of poor choices and hiding from my issues.

It's easy to draw up a budget and decide that I'm going to be debt-free and saved enough to buy an investment property in 2 years.

It's easy to decide that I want to be a certain size or weight and fit enough to run half marathons without any training.

But the real work comes in those moments where the choices are made. In the split second before allowing my mind to run away with a situation and trigger a panic that will result in me creating a truly crappy and unnecessary situation. In that moment where I'm about to throw caution to the wind and spend a week's worth of income on a bunch of things I probably don't need because I'm feeling low and it's easier to go shopping that face why I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. In the space between "I'm hungry but I'm too tired to cook" before I reach for a pint of ice-cream for dinner because "I'm an adult and I'll do what I like because no one can stop me!"

Those moments are when the work really happens. When we rise to the challenge despite the pressure we feel to default to previous behaviors or because we feel blah, or because it just feels like too much effort in that moment.

More importantly, and this is the true beauty of Kobe Bryant's words, we rise BECAUSE of those negative situations. Not in spite of them.

Adversity is the only thing that grants us the opportunity to grow and become greater than we were before because without it there is nowhere to go, no point in striving. So whatever negativity we experience we either create from it an opportunity, or a drama.

But because we fear conflict and unease, we shy away from things that are hard, we lose the opportunity. We brush it off as circumstances that are beyond our control and we'll do better when things are calmer. Which defeats the purpose of the challenge because if we give ourselves an excuse, an exit strategy to the difficulty we are tasked with growing through, of course we react badly and without conscious thought! Of course, we indulge in "retail therapy" trying to plug holes in ourselves with stuff! Of course we retreat into poor food decisions that make us feel like garbage long term!

Because its easier to just REACT, allowing ourselves to be a victim of the situation and find ways to justify it after the fact than it is to consciously choose mastery over ourselves and our actions and make decisions that will help us grow.

Every challenge is either an opportunity or a personal drama, but only one of those options is going to result in personal progress and the life you really want.