The most expensive lesson of my life so far.

What seems like a lifetime ago now, I fell in love with a boy. 

Totally, head over heels, this is going to end badly, probably with stabbings and poisonings a La Shakespeare, at first sight kind of love. 

And I knew without a doubt that we were incompatible. 

We were very different. Not in the fun “opposites attract” kind of way. But on a deep, priorities and values kind of level. 

It was never going to work. 

However, being the ninja level people pleaser that I was, while he was still distracted with the pretty packaging I came with, I analyzed who I needed to be in order for him to love me the way I loved him and set about becoming that person. 

I worked really hard at being the perfect girl for him, and he, naturally, fell in love with that person. 

But of course, PLOT TWIST, I wasn't really that person. 

And anyone who has ever felt like they needed to change themselves to make someone else happy will tell you…

You can only keep it up for so long before you start to either slip, or become resentful. 

Both of those lead to bad things.

I started thinking about that relationship again recently after having discussions with several clients who are realizing that they have become what everyone else around them needs or wants them to be.

Something I hear a lot, especially from my clients who are married or have kids is “I don’t know what I want!”, “I don’t know what I like”, “I don’t know what I need”.

And its often because they have spent so long molding themselves to the IDEA of who they should be, that they have lost touch with who they actually are. 

I mentioned this concept to my husband who looked at me rather shocked and said “I’ve never asked you to do that have I?” 

And I had to just smile at him, because no, hes never asked. But often as women we take the idea of being the peacekeepers and the “happy” makers so seriously that no one actually needs to ask.

We just do. 

We remove our boundaries so that others get what they want. 

We stay quiet to keep the peace. 

We let go of our ambitions to suit the needs of those around us. 

We go along with what others prefer so that we feel connected and safe.

We stop being honest about who we are because we think it will prevent conflict.

Spoiler alert. It never does. 

It actually creates more.

Much like my relationship with that boy I adored so much. 

As soon as I could no longer stomach pretending to be someone I wasn't. When I could no longer put up with behavior that was not in alignment with my own. When I could no longer lie about what was important to me. 

It imploded in spectacular and devastating fashion. 

Leaving us both heartbroken, hurt, confused, and me in about $30k worth of debt. 

During the years I spent paying that debt off, I began to see it as the cost of tuition. It was a payment for one of the most important lessons of my life. 

Trying to be someone you’re not, will eventually cost you everything. I’m lucky that all it cost me was money.