Its the most toxic time of the year...
I think that the “Holidays” are one of the most potentially toxic times of the year.
Yup, I said it.
I believe that the time between mid November and early January is a minefield of toxic options and generally being shitty to ourselves.
Whether you blame the movies or just the general way that our culture views the holiday season, we have created a hugely pressurized season of expectation, failure and people pleasing.
There is a reason why the rates of depression, anxiety and suicide skyrocket this time of the year.
I first really saw and understood it in my late teens, watching my own Mother work herself half to death to BLOW CHRISTMAS UP.
But seriously, if making Christmas perfect was an Olympic sport, you better believe my Mum would be up there in the ranking. But some of my most significant memories of Christmas eve come from the awareness of her still being up at 2am wrapping gifts and making things perfect.
And I want to be clear that I’ve LOVED every Christmas she's ever staged for us, but I’ve also watched her put incredible pressure on herself, making herself responsible for ensuring that everyone has the BEST Christmas ever. Every. Single. Year.
I’ve felt the pressure myself, particularly since moving to the United States, to craft the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas experience, and to ensure that the Holidays are special...
and magical
and perfect
and everyone has a good time
and there's no conflict
and everything looks Instagram worthy
and I’m wearing the perfect outfit
and I’ve managed to lose some weight in the lead up so I look good in pictures
and I’m relaxed enough to enjoy some treats
and not too many because I have to stay cute
and I have to be nice to everyone
and be around people I don't like because its the Holidays
and put up with behavior that's uncool for the sake of peace
and I have to pretend that I’m always having a good time
and I have to seamlessly navigate complicated dynamics with blended families and children
and try to accommodate for everyone's dietary preferences by making 20 different dishes
and finish up my work before the holidays
and attended several Christmas functions that I never really wanted to go to
and make time to catch up before the holidays with other women as stressed out as I am
oh and book a mini session for photographs.. and maybe do a personalized card
AND I still have to find, buy and wrap the perfect gifts for everyone
All with a smile on my face and a song in my heart, because it's the most wonderful time of the year….
Or some such bullshit.
Again, I’d like to be clear that I LOVE the holiday season.
But I love it more since I’ve dropped the massive and unrealistic expectations we have around Christmas.
Because for most people, it's not all peppermint mochas and sequins.
Christmas is for many a sad and difficult time of the year. I know it is for me.
It reminds us of loved ones who aren't there anymore or who can't be with us.
It brings up grief at less than happy family dynamics or remembered trauma.
It triggers our disordered relationships with food and body insecurities.
It causes us to overcompensate for our perceived failures or stress by spending too much.
It brings up our fears that we aren't giving our children the “perfect” childhood experiences.
It suffocates us with people pleasing, because we don't want to be the one who “ruins Christmas” by honoring our boundaries.
And on top of it all, we judge ourselves incredibly harshly , because dammit it's Christmas and you're supposed to be HAPPY!
But I want to tell you that there is room for all of it.
You don't have to try to squish down your feelings and pretend that everything is all magical.
It's not all perfect or all crap.
It's a little perfect and it's a little crap.
It's a little grief and a little enchantment.
It's a little joy at being with your family, and a little frustration at being with your family.
It can be stressful and magical.
You’re human. You have space for all the experiences inside yourself, without beating yourself up and telling yourself that you’re “failing at the Holidays”
