Scared to death and doing it anyway
I did something this week that absolutely terrified me.
I deliberately put myself in a position where I had no idea what I was doing.
I tried to coach someone using a brand new format that I’m still learning and don’t fully understand yet and I did it in a Zoom Room full of people who were there to watch and critique.
And it was awful.
I stumbled over my words.
I struggled to stay focused while my brain screamed that everyone was judging me.
At one point I just went blank and I sat there for what felt like a full 5 minutes not having a clue what I should do or say next.
It really felt like crap. I felt like an idiot.
And it was totally OK.
For years I’ve struggled to do anything in front of people that I haven't practiced and perfected first.
I always believed on some level that if people saw me before I was “perfect” that they would discover the awful truth about me.
That I’m not perfect. I’m flawed. Broken somehow.
That because I’m not perfect, I have no value.
Its little wonder why, with a shitty belief like that, I’ve spent so much of my life avoiding doing so many things.
I gave up a career in music because I was terrified of people seeing me rehearse before I was “perfect”.
I avoided applying for dream jobs because I wasn’t perfect yet.
I’ve deleted more blog posts than you can possibly imagine because they weren't perfect. I probably could have finished writing more than one book by now!
Before any event or party I would agonize over what to wear and what to say to people so that I could appear to have my life together. Generally, I would end up just not going.
The list of ways I've let being scared of what people would think of me dictate my life choices is the past is staggering
But recently I realized something that has truly changed my life.
Being afraid isn't actually that bad. And everyone else is generally feeling the same way.
I spent so much time trying to avoid how crappy it felt to be afraid of what people might think, that I didn’t even see that I was feeling crappy anyway, and that it wasn’t actually that scary.
It’s just a fast heartbeat. Butterflies in my stomach. A jittery sensation.
That’s all.
Whether I feel scared, or judged or stupid, its just a feeling.
As I’m feeling it, it’s already done its worst.
So this week when I didn’t want to look like an idiot in front of my peers. When I was afraid of letting them see how unprepared I was. How much of a beginner I was…
Knowing that if I ran away from it I would miss another great opportunity.
I put up my hand and said “I’ll do it”.
