But EVERYBODY believes it... and other such lies.

This weekend I had the most fascinating experience of seeing belief systems causing chaos out in the wild. 

A group of friends and I met for a light dinner and cocktails and after a couple of hours, when the peppermint martinis were flowing thick and fast and my friends and I were getting louder and more giggly, my husband quietly kissed me goodbye, told me to have a great time and headed home. 

And then the bar hopping, dancing and shots began. It was chaos and a thumping good time, and we didn’t go to bed till the sun was coming up the next day. It was the perfect evening…

For everyone except my friend's husband who simply could not deal with the fact that MY husband didn't stay for the rest of the party. 

It was quite spectacular to watch him rant and rave about it, claiming that my husband had abandoned me, and that it wasn't right!  The fact that I wasn't even upset about it was, in his words “NOT NORMAL” because “EVERYONE knows that's not ok, NOBODY else would have done that”

He was really rather upset by it all. 

And I just had to smile as I watched his confusion when I pointed out that clearly “Everybody” in his argument wasn’t accurate because there I was, standing before him, totally ok with it.

I was literal evidence before his very eyes of someone for whom it was totally normal, and ok.  and Happy about it even, because if Hubs had stayed, Id probably have spent most of the night worrying about him.

The thing with beliefs and opinions, is that we are convinced that they are true, and will always find evidence for what we believe. Whatever that belief is. 

Whether it's “Married couples have to do everything together” or something like “You have to make a lot of money to be happy”...

Our brains convince us that it’s 100% a universally true thing that “everyone” else believes. 

And they generally have absolutely nothing to do with the actual circumstances. Our beliefs are just our interpretations. And we get to choose how we view the things that happen.

In my friend's husband's mind, the fact that My Hubs didn't stay for the wilder part of the night was a reflection that he didn't care enough about me. That he didn't somehow fulfill his husbandish obligation to be present for the entirety of the party. 

If I believed, as he does, that spouses need to do everything together otherwise it's evidence that they don't love each other, then YES I probably would have been very upset. 

But I have a different set of beliefs around relationships that allow me to have a totally different experience of that exact same event. 

It’s true that Hubs left at 9pm, leaving me with my friends. 

But it's also true that my husband doesn't like crowds. 

It's also true that he doesn't like drinking unless he’s at home and that he doesn't enjoy being around people who have been drinking heavily. 

AND it's true that my husband not enjoying these things… is in no way a reflection of his feelings for me. 

And it's ALSO true, that my desire to stay out and continue the celebrations even though he wanted to leave, isn't a reflection of my feelings for him. 

Which is why I was able to say to him “I don't think I’m coming home tonight, I’m in the mood to go crazy with my friends. I love you, see you in the morning”.  And not make it mean anything more than that.

When you’ve learned to unpack the belief systems that you have, and are able to unravel what you make things that happen MEAN in relation to those beliefs, you get to change the way that you live your life. 

My friend's husband is correct in saying that “It’s not normal” because it's not.  It's so uncommon that even after explaining it, he couldn't wrap his mind around a “different” way even being possible.

His belief system would even let him entertain the possibility. 

Most people never CHOOSE a deliberate way of thinking and living. 

And even fewer people have relationships where each partner actively works on taking responsibility for what they think and choose to bring into the mix. 

Imagine being in a relationship where the ONLY thing that mattered is what you and your partner decided was important within your partnership. A relationship where you get what you want, without worrying about what “Everybody else” thinks about you. 

It’s not “normal” but it's glorious. 

It’s possible when you’ve done the inner work, and learned to carefully examine your beliefs that you can CHOOSE a totally different kind of relationship… 

The best part though is that you can do that with any part of your life. 

And that my darlings is the most powerful ability you possess.