My sisters legacy of a life fully lived.
Today is the 22 anniversary of my sister Caitlinn’s death.
I was 15 and I will remember every millisecond of that day in vivid detail until I die.
There is no way to soften the experience of losing a sibling, especially in traumatic circumstances.
And while there are many philosophies on death and grief, what I want to share today is a very small look at the many unexpected gifts that my sister's life and death have given me over the years.
Because honestly the impact on my life is immeasurable.
The first is the gift of grief and depression.
And don't get me wrong, I can see this as a gift after many years down the line. For more than a decade after her death, the depression and unresolved grief, guilt and trauma was horrific and debilitating.
There were many times I did not think I would survive it, and even now I'm often surprised that I did.
The gift that I see now is the deep understanding that both grief and depression is 100% a normal part of the human experience.
And our cultural attitude of hiding or pathologizing it is deeply destructive.
I strongly believe that part of the reason I suffered so badly is because the messaging I got about my experience was that Grief and Trauma was a sign that something has gone drastically wrong. It was something to be immediately resolved. (But of course not too fast because you need to be seen to be suffering or you didn't truly love the person. Thanks society. Eye roll.)
Both of those things are normal human reactions to adverse experiences.
The idea that our human emotions are things to be negotiated with, avoided, or resolved, is fascinating to me now because I understand how insane that is as a concept.
At no point in my journey did anyone say to me “Hey, your sister died. How you're feeling is absolutely ok”.
Literally no one. It was always “You’ll be fine, just get through it”
Not once did anyone say to me “Of course you're experiencing guilt if you’re telling yourself that you could have saved her but didn't because you're not good enough”.
I made circumstances (Especially ones beyond my control) mean something about my worth as a person. Something we ALL do in one way or another, and one of the most dangerous things we do.
Understanding that alone would have saved me years of suffering.
What I’ve learned through that experience is that all feelings are real and valid… and just feelings.
What I mean by that is that a feeling is literally just our thoughts made physical in our bodies.
That's it.
Yes it can be intensely painful. Uncomfortable. Horrifying even. Sometimes so intense that our brain is convinced we might die from the feeling.
As anyone who has ever had a panic attack will tell you.
But it's just a physical sensation that passes.
It lives with us in my body for a time, and then disappears. (If you don't fight it, but that's a conversation for another day)
But the gift in this experience is that I learned that everything I feel is valid, and its also just a feeling.
If I am able to allow myself to feel my grief, my depression, my guilt, my trauma AND KNOW that it will pass through me and I will be unharmed… There is NOTHING that I can't survive.
The other thing that always stands out to me as a gift, is my life as it is.
My sister's death set off a chain of events that have lead me to where I am now. In many ways, her passing was the catalyst for the extraordinary life I have been privileged to lead.
Without the experience, I would not be who I am.
I went through a period of grief for the person I had been and who I might have been if she had not died, and I’ve learned that there has to be a space for letting go of who you thought you would become.
Recognizing that the version of you that was or might have been, is also dead.
Then moving on from it. We cannot resurrect something that will never be.
And most importantly, my sister's passing helped teach me the futility of fear.
In the Hagakure, the Samurai were given the instruction to remember their inevitable death constantly “Only when you constantly live as though already dead will you be able to find freedom”.
We do so much in life because of fear. From the decision we make about what we want to do for work, to how we relate to the people around us.
We constantly come up against fears.
The fear of failure, or not being liked, even of succeeding.
When you really understand that no matter how successful you are. No matter how popular you are. No matter how happy you are… you will eventually die, you realize what a waste of time fear really is.
I know that probably sounds pretty depressing to most people, but when you really embody it, what it means is that you might as well just go for it. Just DO the things. Have the experiences. Try, fail. Try, succeed.
Whatever floats your boat. Whatever would make this life meaningful and full for you.
There is tremendous freedom in knowing that all that matters is what you chose to do, and that fear is actually pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
When I think of my sister, I feel tremendous love for the experiences we had with her in our lives.
I don't grieve for the loss of that.
I grieve for the life unlived. I grieve for who she might have been and what we might have done with this one brief life we get.
And to this day, that is what drives me to do what I do, and why I coach and encourage.
I don't want anyone to get to the end of their life, and grieve for what they could have done or been.
