Depression would be easier

Depression is sometimes very seductive.

I remember in the depths of my depression feeling like it was a deep dark hole that I would never escape from, and although that felt like absolute shit, it felt safe in a strange way too.

I felt like I didn't ever need to do anything because I was sick. No one expected anything from me, because I was broken.

As terrible as it was to be so deeply depressed, it also felt easy.

It was somehow ok that I didn't leave my house for 2 years. It was ok that I slept for 14 hours a day and played computer games compulsively when I did manage to crawl out of bed. It was ok to not care if I had brushed my hair or teeth that week.

I simply didn't have to participate in life.

I realized much later on that although being depressed was one of the worst experiences of my life, it was also one of the easiest.

It was the perfect reason to never do anything. To never put effort into anything. To never confront myself. To never change.

And even now when I've had what feels like a really tough week. I'm faced with my own fears and insecurities that love to pop up when I'm doing something hard. Or when I'm venturing past my comfort zone, or feeling overwhelmed...

A seductive little voice whispers to me

"If you just went back to being depressed, you could let go of all this and no one would ask why."

It's such a dangerous thought. Because I know that it would FEEL easier in the moment.

It makes perfect logical sense to my brain. If I just have a breakdown then I would have a totally legitimate excuse to not do what I'm trying to do and then I would feel safe (If somewhat stagnant and deeply unhappy!) because it's what I know.

Which is always less terrifying than the experience of being afraid of what we DONT know.

Staying stuck where we are, even if that’s not what we want, always feels like a safer and easier option.

The ugly truth that people don't tell you about personal development, especially when it's always presented with this gross overly positive "Living in the land of rainbows and Unicorns" bullshit, is that change often feels like crap.

Truly! That's what so few people really go after what they want in life. It requires a lot from you. While you're in the middle of it, it's incredibly uncomfortable and you question why you're doing it (and occasionally your sanity!) Your human brain will fight you every step of the way.

And it's WORTH IT.

It would take zero effort for me to slip back into depression and let the world just happen passively around me. I could easily choose that for my life. And my brain likes to tell me that it would be the less painful choice. (Which is 100% a lie by the way. There is nothing more painful than believing you're trapped in the shitshow of a life that you don't want)

And I would miss out on every single incredible experience, relationship, event, and the impact that I have chosen to create in the 13 years since I resolved my depression.

I would miss out on the opportunity of CREATING my own life and all the insane magic that does exist in that.

Even though sometimes it feels scary and hard and uncomfortable.