Unconditional love doesnt mean unconditional access
Last week a client going through the process of divorce asked me “How is it possible that I can love my husband, but not want to be with him?”
And I’ve been thinking about that all week because it’s a thought I remember having about an ex boyfriend many years ago.
I loved and still care deeply about him, but I frankly don't ever actually want to see, let alone be in a relationship with him.
Seems strange right…
After all, doesn’t love conquer all?
I think this idea of love without actual connection is easier understood in relationships like with parents. We can love someone wholeheartedly AND still not want them in our lives.
I call it the “love you but don't like you” issue.
Our culture has taught us that to love someone means we have to BE with them. We have confused unconditional love with unconditional access.
We’ve been led to believe that if we love someone then we HAVE to have them in our lives. And if we don't want them or their behavior in our lives… then we can't possibly really love them.
Which is complete and utter nonsense, because it creates rampant confusion and guilt when you don't want someone or their influence in your life… even though you care about them.
I remember years ago realizing that it was possible to love and completely accept my father for exactly the way he is… and still not have him play any significant role in my life.
I experienced so much guilt around the idea that I somehow owed him access to me. Like just because he was my dad I should just put up with his influence in my life or it would prove I didn't love him and that would make me a bad person.
But resolving that guilt and shame actually gave me the space to just not be connected with him for some years and eventually change my relationship with him drastically.
It's tricky in romantic relationships because everything about how we view love culturally is about the being together aspect. And I truly believe that its partially to blame for the difficulty people experience in leaving abusive relationships.
Because if we REALLY love someone then we’ll stay and just figure it out.
I was talking to my husband recently about how women in my generation and before have been raised on this idea that if you just love someone enough, everything will turn out perfectly. (Thanks Disney)
and he was stunned. Because he wasn't socialized that way, the idea of sticking it out in a relationship that isn't working for you with the idea that you just need to love them harder, is as bizarre to him as me suggesting he paint his car with pink glitter.
So what if you don't want to figure it out?
What if there IS no figuring it out? (because of course you can only figure out YOUR part in the relationship)
