Why I stopped waiting for apologies

The other day I was thinking about how obsessively I used to think about an ex-boyfriend.

I didn't miss him or wish that we'd stayed together (most DEFINITELY NOT!)

But I found myself regularly wondering if he thought about me.

About how much he hurt me.

And waiting for him to realize it and apologize.

I was waiting for closure.

Waiting for HIM to take that step towards somehow fixing it so that I could let it go and move on.

And surprise surprise, it never happened.

I found myself thinking one day about how I would feel if he, or anyone else that I felt owed me an apology, actually apologized.

And I discovered that I felt I was owed a LOT of apologies.

My Ex who broke my heart

A school friend for being a bully

A former colleague for making me feel uncomfortable

A teacher for not being supportive

My mother for having high expectations

My father for not having high enough expectations

My husband for putting an empty milk carton on top of the trash....

I was waiting for a lot of people to say "I'm sorry"

And I suddenly realized that it actually didn't matter.

Even if everyone apologized for everything I feel like they did wrong, it still wouldn't change anything because the problem wasn't them, it was me.

I was believing that their actions meant something about me as a person.

That I wasn't worthy of love. That I wasn't cared about. That I wasn't good enough. That everyone was always out to hurt me.

I was waiting for an apology because then I would allow myself to believe that THEY realized they were wrong. THEY had made a mistake and that I was actually worthy.

I was waiting for permission to believe that I was worthy.

That was the day that I decided that "closure" is not a conversation.

Closure was me deciding to close a chapter of my life and not open it again.

Closure was ME deciding that I did not have to wait for anyone else to say or do anything for me to believe that I am worthwhile.

That was also the day I gave myself closure. I quietly unfriended my ex, and never looked back again.